'Search me!' he said.
by our court reporter
Vengeance stalked the courtroom and it was not to be denied. At last the shambling, drooling 'genius' was brought up. The reason Blind Eye was in attendance was to catch yet another utterance of similar mind-numbing importance to the flashy, slack-jawed fool's last pronouncement; 'If it is still I paint it ... but if it moves I grab it!' ... which was so widely reported and to which the 'genius' collected many a free lunch.
Readers may detect an element of envy in these comments but let me assure you it has nothing to do with my beautiful ex-wife and her preference for flighty genius over caring, stable and responsible spousehood. Anyhow, I will report exactly what transpired and make no further comment.
'Lawyer: Now I put it to you Mr Carraviggo that on 15 December last you attended an office Christmas party. There you drank six large glasses of beer, after which you consumed several scotches. I then put it to you Mr Carraviggo that you noticed two girls from the typing pool, Miss A and Miss B leaving the party, and followed them out of the building.
"As they waited at the bus stop outside, I put it to you that you approached them and were ill on the footpath. You then asked them to accompany you to your home and tried to force Miss A into a taxi.
When she refused, I put it to you that you loudly abused her, and when Miss B intervened, you pushed her away, causing her to fall into the gutter where she struck her head and suffered a severe contusion to the forehead.
Now, Mr Carraviggo, is what I put to you true of false?"
Carraviggo, our 'genius', looked up and for the first time showed an interest, "What was that date again?" he asked.
Later when the jury returned the inevitable verdict of 'totally' guilty the Judge ... who seemed unusually startled when anyone lifted a pencil or raised an eyebrow, said to Carravaggio, "Well sir, do you have anything to say before I sentence you to death row?'
"**** all Judge," replied our artistic genius.
The old deaf judge squinted down and turned to the clerk, "Did the prisoner speak?"
"He said **** all Judge," the man instantly replied.
The Judge looked perplexed and slowly shook his head. Then, looking to the clerk he said, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."