The whiter than white albino gopher raised her upper body above the
crowd and shouted in that high pitched squeak that emotional gophers employ when
agitated, 'If the exclusive drinking of white turnip maliu float means some albinos suffer side
effects then so be it.'
She paused slightly as the group around her began nodding their heads in agreement then continued, 'I am just an ordinary gopher but being an albino gopher is more important than my individuality and like all others in my group I like to imbibe turnip maliu float. That choice should be recognized and made into Burrow's Law.'
This incident occurred during the investigation by Justice Solomon Gopher (aka Marshmello Solomon) called to adjudicate on whether the comments of Gopher Hyson, namely that 'albino gophers were a stain on the burrow society as it was well known they drank more white turnip made liquors than normal gophers who preferred the usual turnip whisky', amounted to hate speech.
In fact Justice Solomon Gopher had just asked Professor Osborn a number of questions namely: 'Does selectively drinking white turnip maliu float produce more albino gophers? Is the future of the gopher burrows to be albinos drinking maliu float? Is it true that a diet of carrots and drinking only white turnip maliu float has the side effect of hormonal imbalance as well as an increased desire for sunlight, which as we all know is a persistent danger to all gophers who are well aware that hell is above ground whereas heaven is found more or less under the deeper burrows.'
Professor Osborn from the ministry of gopher eugenics and author of the best selling 'Sex Aboveground' made available to testify in the case had just adjusted his white rimmed spectacles, looked around the cavernous burrow and in a deep and meaningful voice made the point that 'studies showed that feeding exclusively on carrots and drinking white turnip maliu float genetically encouraged the expansion of the albino population as it produced greater sexual activity in young albino gophers.'
Justice Solomon Gopher addressed the whiter than white albino who had just interrupted the proceedings. 'This court will remove any gopher under the influence of alcohol that intends to interrupt our proceedings. Is that clear?'
Also assisting the court are Professor Jordan Gopher defending Hyson on the contention that 'hate speech' does not exist and Gopher Supreme Court lawyer Marxie Gopher prosecuting on behalf of albino gopher Brice-love, the small community of albino gophers and a panel of gopher rights activists. All it seems were highly offended by Gopher Hyson's comments.
Rising to full height on her back legs and facing the august court Marxie Gopher read from her brief. "I should like to first point out to the court that my client Brice-love overcame great setbacks in life. Our comprehensive intersectional study of bias towards gophers with albino fur color and transgender proclivities demonstrates this is not unusual but rather commonplace in today's burrows. Furthermore gopher Brice-love has suffered great mental and psychological harm as a consequence of gopher Hyson making such a hurtful comment in his talk to the students regarding albinos and white turnip maliu float.'
Without leaving his bench Jordan looked up and to the judge replied, 'Your Worship, gopher world is currently under attack from illiberal intellectuals, weak-kneed vice-chancellors, poorly educated students, political chief executives, misguided politicians and a whole bunch of gophers who have become known as self-appointed cultural dietitians. I would offer to the albinos what they say in the gopher military, toughen up, Princess.'
He then glanced to his right and addressed Lawyer Marxie, 'But more to the point of these proceedings I contend it's impossible to empirically measure "hate", because it's always subjective. In other words such a judgment is made from a personal stance, thus any group feeling is not relevant.'
'I would further ask the court and Lawyer Marxie, if I personally dislike white turnip maliu float and I said, 'anyone drinking less white turnip maliu float would be a stain on the burrow' would that comment be classified as 'hate' speech?'
Lawyer Marxie replied addressing Justice Solomon Gopher, 'If it pleases the court I contend gopher civilization is evolving away from an intellectual drive as opined by my learned gopher friend and towards a morality drive to advancement and a better, happier future. To that end 'hate speech' is immoral and not helpful.'
Professor Jordan Gopher looked to the bench and replied, 'Justice Solomon, should you admit this line of reasoning it will inevitably lead to new gopher laws telling us, including this court, what to know and what to think. You sir will be redundant, hot be needed or no longer be useful.'
'Mmm, I see,no longer needed you say.' Justice Solomon Gopher, previously considered a progressive member of the gopher bench, suddenly looked a little alarmed, banged his gavel and said as he quickly left the chamber, ' My judgment regarding Brice-love is thus; 'get a life, Princess.'