Washington DC and as the December snow gently fluttered its way to the sidewalk a ragged human being huddled beside a recently filled trash can. He looked across the road and relayed a story to no one in particular.
'My name is Ned Comley. I am a PhD. I used to have a job in the FBI, but the police moved me on. It all began one morning in May, I was going through an old photo album of J.Edgar Hovers handsome assistants, when my aide announced a visitor'.
'Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you'.
To which I replied, 'Shiffo, put my lunch back in the trash can and send him in'.
‘This way, sir.’
A gaunt looking ghoulish figure seemed to materialize from thin air rather like a hologram from a badly connected electrical device. He spoke with gravitas seemingly not moving his lips. 'Ahhh, my dear Dr. Comley. Allow me, my card'.
We exchanged cards which seemed to get us nowhere fast.
Looking about and spying my lunch in the waste basket he said, 'Now, to business. My name is Mullet. Have you ever heard of Russian Collusion?’
'There's no one of that name here', I replied quickly glancing under my desk just in case. Nothing is certain on the seventh floor of the FBI building.
'OK,' Mullet said, 'but just listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the Isle of Ewe the dreaded Russian Collusion struck. In six weeks, in just six weeks mark, Russian Collusion had destroyed the entire population!'
'What a splendid story'.
'Yes', he paused. Considered the PhD certificate behind my desk and with extra gravitas then added, 'as I was saying, Russian Collusion could easily destroy the entire human race!'
‘Mr.Mullet, why are you telling me all this? ‘
Mullet: Why? Yesterday, Russian Collusion claimed its first victim in Washington. He said this as if it should have been common knowledge among all PhD's
‘Ha-Ha. I said, You jest.’
‘I jest what?’
‘Well, you just said that Russian Collusion just claimed its first victim in Washington.’
Mullet waved a serious index finger under my nose. 'Yikes! How can you joke when Russian Collusion threatens? Sit down while I tell you a tale. Last night, last night, my dear Comley, I was a passenger on a local bus in Washington.'
‘I sat up, 'you reckless fool, you!'
'Touche', he replied, 'the bus was passing the Congressional Fire Station, all as normal …..'
The conductor wending his way down the aisle: 'Any more fares, please, White House next stop. Then a loud screech: 'Putin Eeeeeeeeh,' followed by severe convulsions.
A Concerned Local said, 'What to do with him?'
The Conductor somewhat recovered tried again, 'Hold tight, please ... ' before repeating: 'Putin Eeeeeeeeh.'
A second local who happened to be a Senator searching for poor people spoke up, 'Ere, loosen his collar; I'll look after his wallet.'
The conductor tried again: 'What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Putin Eeeeeeeeh.'
Congressman: 'Stop the bus! Stop it...'
Conductor again: 'Don't you stop this - Putin Eeeeeeeeh, Yakka-Boo.'
Congressman: 'Give him air! Stand back now!'
Conductor again: 'Putin Eeeeeeeeh...'
Mullet looks to Comley, 'Not a pretty sight!'
Comley replies, 'Good Heavens! What happened then?'
Well now, the unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Hospital Emergency Department.
And then...well, listen:
Conductor to the emergency worker: 'Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Putin Eeeeeeeeh - I can't see what you're bothered about at all ya see - Putin Eeeeeeeeh, Yakka-Boo.'
The Doctor: 'Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in'. The conductor inhales, 'Breathe out.'
Doctor impatiently, 'Must you? Now breathe in again.'
The Doctor also succumbs, 'Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Putin Eeeeeeeeh.'
The alarmed conductor yells. 'Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Putin Eeeeeeeeh...'
The nurse rushes in and..., 'Now what is it, I - Putin Eeeeeeeeh...'
Then a chorus of 'Putin Eeeeeeeeh...' echoed about the ward.
'And that is my tale Comley. In six weeks America could be destroyed by Russian Collusion and that includes you!'
There is a whoosh sound and Mullet looks down. 'Come out from under that desk, Comley!'
Comley, 'I'm watching youtube!'
Mullet gently, 'Come out!'
Comley's head surfaces, 'Oh please, please, I... I don't know anything about Russian Collusion.'
Mullet spoke reassuringly. 'Now, now! I will tell you all about Russian Collusion. It can be cured!'
Comley, 'OK, then you cure it!'
Mullet shaking his head sadly, 'I am not a doctor of philosophy. No. You must be the one. You, you and you alone, will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, Sir Robert Fleming and now you!'
'I agree.' Comley then looks a somewhat confused. 'But what's Russian Collusion got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?'
Mullet produces a paper from his back pocket. 'Here, read this article...'
Comley suspiciously unfolds the document and reads, 'Will any doctor with knowledge of Russian Collusion please communicate with Dr. Hercules Andy McAbe.'
‘Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man to save the nation from the dreaded Russian Collusion,’ stated Mullet.
‘Yes, but I...’
Mullet quickly into the hesitation, 'A medal, position, riches and money!'
Comley nods in agreement and whoosh, the door closed! Mullet disappeared.
Outside Mullet takes out his mobile and dials. 'Hello? Ah, Dr. Andy McAbe? Ah, listen, Andy. Mullet here, Yes. He's just left; he's on his way to you now. Yes'. Laughing. 'Yes.'
Later Comley approaches a door on the fifth level of the State Department and knocks.
McAbe. 'Come in!
Comley enters. Dr. Andy McAbe?
'The same.' With an outstretched hand and winning smile continued. 'Just call me Andy.'
'My name is Ned Comley.'
'Really! Now, what can I do for you?'
'I've come to help fight Russian Collusion. First Benjamin Franklin, Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie and now me!'
'Excellent! What are your qualifications?'
Comley: Comley answers. 'I was struck off the Rolls twice.'
McAbe ponders, 'You can only be struck off the Rolls once.
Comley as if holding a winning poker hand, 'That'll give you some idea of my importance.'
McAbe non-plussed. 'Then you're our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12 hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by Russian Collusion...'
'We must move fast.' said Comley with concern.
'What do you suggest?'
'South America?' snaps Comley.
'No, no, no. You are the one man who can save the USA.'
Comley considering. 'Yes, yes. First John Quincy Adams, Marylin Munroe, Richard Nixon and now me!'
'Now, Comley, let me tell you a tale', said McAbe. 'I've arranged for you to meet the Medical Council. Once there -'
'Yes, yes yes yes yes yes yes?'
'Now then I'll tell you a tale. At the moment Russian Collusion is confined to Washington. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All the Russian Collusion victims must be sent to New York...'
Comley interrupts. 'One moment, Dr. If you know the cure for Russian Collusion why don't you have the Medal and the riches?'
'I can't. You see, my wife is a SJW and lectures at the University.'
Comley sadly, 'Oh, I'm, I'm terribly sorry.'
'No Comley, my good man, it must be you.'
'Well yes, I suppose it must... First Joe Louis then Call Me Madam, Marlin Brando and now me.'
Andy: 'Come Comley, off to the Councile Medicale,' said McAbe ironically.
Later that same night. 'Ladies and Gentlemen!' shouts Dr. Clapper for attention, then. 'Ladies and Gentlemen of the American Medical Association, I've got you out of bed because I want you to hear about this Russian Collusion rumor, what their all doing their nut about in Washington. Here's the speaker, Dr, err...'
Comley: Ned Comley...
Clapper looks to Comley and nods. 'OK! Carry on!'
Comley somewhat nervously, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?'
'What's this about contusions,' shouts someone from a back row. There is a thumps of something solid being hit against wood. A man screams, followed by shutting door.'
'Any more questions? Now my plan is to set up Collusion Treatment Centers in Washington and...' said Comley.
: From the front a man called Bannon speaks up, 'I'm asking a civilian question. What is Russian Collusion?'
Beside him Dr. Pence echos, 'That's another thing I want to know! What is Russian Collusion?'
Another, 'What is Russian Collusion?'
Dr. Pence, 'Shut up.'
Bannon, ' Shut up.'
Another: 'Shut up.'
Bannon again, 'You shut up!'
Dr. Pence, 'What is Russian Collusion?'
Bannon indignantly. 'What is Russian Collusion - I have just asked that question, buddy...'
'Then why didn't you say so?'
'I did say so.'
'If you have already asked there's no point in me asking again.'
Bannon again, 'Well anyhow, what is Russian Collusion, eh?'
Dr. Clapper, 'One question at a time please.'
'It was only one question', explains Bannon.
Pence, 'But I've already asked that question.'
'Thank you. Thank you Dr Bannon, thank you. '
Pence, Goodnight, goodnight Dr
Dr? Gad, he looks different in pyjamas... opines Bannon.
Comley speaks up, 'Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late we must set up more Russian Collusion Centers in Arlington.'
'Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business, buddy?' asks Bannon
A mobile sounds.
Comley answers, 'Hello?'
'It's Andy McAbe here Comley. You have arranged a charity concert at the John F. Kennedy Center in aid of the Russian Collusion Distress Fund. OK?'
'Yes, yes that's it'. Comley nods confidently and says to all, ' I have arranged for a charity concert at the John F. Kennedy Center in aid of the Russian Collusion Distress Fund.'
'Bravo! Bravo!' the crowd roars.
A Charity Concert at the John F. Kennedy Center in aid of the Russian Collusion Distress Fund.
After a short speech by Jordan Peterson extolling the virtues of being a zebra Comley takes over the mic, 'Thank you Jordan, thank you. And next in this concert we have imported by permission of Dr.Mullet a great continental tenor, Jovanii Sulphoney.'
A mixed crowd of gay bikers and their feminist girlfriends borke into applause, cheers, and whistles.
'Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing that lovely melody that we all love so well "Isle of Ewe",' announced Sulphoney a florid and rotund figure dressed in long flowing tent like robes and a red bow-tie.
The Orchestra began the Grand and lengthy introduction prelude and Sulphoney begins, 'A gypsy am I, wandering by, I travel the loveless road, all day...'
Off stage Mullet wispers, 'I'll give him the signal now.'
Sulphoney, 'the loveless road... Putin Eeeeeeeeh, Putin Eeeeeeeeh Putin Eeeeeeeeh, Putin Eeeeeeeeh!'
'Mullet, Mullet,' yells Comley, ' the singer! He's got the Russian Collusion! Help! Run for your lives! Russian Collusioniiii!'
McAbe views Comley who is in his office hiding under his desk. He and sighs before saying,'For the last time, come on now, come out.'
Comley in a small voice, 'Leave me alone, I don't want to catch Russian Collusion.'
There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure.
A head popps up. 'The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure?'
'Well now, sit down Neddy and let me tell you something important. I've arranged for you to force your way into the Senate. Once there you must impress upon them the disastrous quinsequonces of this dreaded Russian Collusion...'
'But, but, what's the cure?' interjects Comley impatiently.
'The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them...'
Time passes and the scene switches to the Senate chamber where an unsuspecting Senate is debating important affairs of state.
Amid much coughing a voice is heard, 'Err, who's, who's responsible for the rodents in Arizona? And, may I ask why.....they have not been eliminated....in the last.....century?'
From across the chamber, 'Here, here.'
A hearing aid is replaced the member from Texas replied,' They are, they were, cleaned out last December.'
Yet another, 'Here, here.'
The second speaker adds, 'isn’t it, isn't it time.....they.....were done ..........again?'
From the Democratic pews, 'Well done!'
Another member,'Impossible! They've not been done again yet.'
The fierce debate was at its height when past the Speaker’s chair crept a large trash can, and with dramatic suddenness the lid was flung off and Comley's head appears.
'Honorable members! I have some important news concerning Russian Collusion. First of all...'
'What is...' from the Speaker McConnel
The Republican side,'Rubbish, get out, he's a Democrat.'
'He's a Democrat!'
Comley speaks up, 'First of all, I must ask you all to lie on the floor.'
From the Republican side Gowdy rises, 'Rubbish. I've never heard of such twaddle. Who are you sir?'
'My name is Ned Comley.'
'Now, Russian Collusion threatens us all.' Comley persisted.'
McConnel, 'What is Russian Collusion?'
'Russian Collusion , Russian Collusion is the most dreadful malady known to mankind.'
'In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the USA.'
'Now Gentlemen, Gentlemen, the Capital is already affected...' Comley replied.
'At this very moment more and more people are contracting Russian Collusion.' added Comley followed by shouts of alarm from those members who forgot to take their medications.
'A terrible state of affairs!' stated Shipp for the Democrats. 'Is there any known cure for Russian Collusion?'
'That there is! Let me give you some facts. By continuous research I discovered that all victims had one thing in common,' replies Comley.
'What is it?'
Gowdy, 'Out with it man! Out with it!'
'None of them play golf,' replied Comley, 'and it seems the seven iron is the critical club.'
'Good Heavens Incredible. Amazing.'
Gowdy again, 'One moment sir, are you inferring that by playing golf one is immune for Russian Collusion?'
Following the dramatic disclosure in the Senate, Dr. Ned Comley has been put in full charge of the Anti-Russian Collusion Campaign.
Back in Comley's office a round table conference is taking place. '...You will need to order 200 million golf 7 irons,' states Mullet.
'That's going to cost something isn't it?' replies Comley a little concerned.
'Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!'
'Yes, I suppose so.'
'If you can save the USA from Russian Collusion the government won't mind the expenditure.'
'Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, George Bush and Hillary...'
'Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you,' interrupts Mullet.
'Two hundred million golf seven irons. Well, here's the list, sign here, lad,' states Mullet adding, 'and send it to Cushion PPS, the well-known golf club makers.'
Well now, within three weeks Cushion PPS had received 50 million dollars in golf club orders and delivered some 300 million 7 irons to No Sweat Airlines.
On the tarmac a large plane is warming up. Comley shouts over the noise, 'What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the bilges with the life-saving golf clubs. Well done, Cushion PPS. Now, where is that Major Nickleson? It's almost zero hour! Any of you pilots seen Major Nickleson?'
Nickleson appears from a golf cart parked in a nearby hangar. 'Err, Major Nickleson reporting.'
Comley studies the man and his caddie, 'You will be parachuted into Minnesota with your caddie, the object being to instruct the Russian Collusion victims in the use of these new 7 irons.'
'Well, we're all ready to depart now. Caddie into the plane, quick march, chocks away, good luck!' Doors shut and planes take off.
'What a sight! A thousand planes taking off across the USA, soon it will all be over, Russian Collusion conquered by me! stated Comley proudly as he waved to the departing plane.
We cut to a FOX NEWS broadcast. 'And now here's the news. Today in Congress questions were asked regarding the dropping of some 300 million golf clubs on many cities across the USA late last night. There appears to be no valid reason why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost the treasury well over 2 billion dollars. As a result income tax will now be 110 cents in the dollar. FBI are trying to trace a tall thin man who started a rumor about a non-existent disease called Russian Collusion. He is reported to have last been seen...'
McAbe 'Switch it off.'
'Yes, yes, said Mullet, We've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's $15,000 for you, 1 billion for me, 6 million for me and then for the...'
Door opens abruptly and Comley enters out of breath. 'Ah! Ah, there you are!'
McAbe looks up from his counting, 'Well, well, its little Neddy.'
'Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as Russian Collusion?'
'No such disease as Russian Collusion? And you went to the Senate and told them there was!? Oh dear!'
Comley with great alarm,' Eh? You told me to tell them! I mean...'
McAbe to Mullet just finishing counting the money, 'Tooth brush, change of underwear, yes, got the plane tickets?'
Comley laughs nervously,' Wait, wait! There is such a thing as Russian Collusion, isn't there? You told me there was! Didn't you, I mean...'
A chauffer in uniform pops his head around the open door, 'Oh pardon me, the car's waiting for a Mr. Cushion and Mr. Steele to take them to the airport.'
'Wait! Your the singer from the concert! You've got Russian Collusion! Run for your life! Russian Collusion! Wait a minute, Mr.Cushion and Mr. Steele?'
'Yes, that's our business name. We make golf clubs, you know,' stated the departing Mullet carrying a large hold-all full of money.
'You must have made a fortune! You...'
'Let me tell you a tale. First Albert Wiggin, Bernie Madoff, and now Muggins.' Good-bye, said Mullet with a smile.
'Muggins? Who, who's Muggins? [sobs] Putin Eeeeeeeeh, Putin Eeeeeeeeh...'