The Case of Equal Opportunity Gophers

spacer wargophers

Kettly Gopher and Hartly Gopher both received posthumous medals for bravery having perished in combat sacrificing their lives to defend the 8 square yd. gopherhill they both called home. The question being what benefits should their dependents receive as support or compensation?

An investigation by Justice Solomon Gopher and his panel of gopher elders is called to see who was the most deserving.

Both Kettly and Hartly were gophers 8 inches long and weighed 2 lbs 4 ounces. However Kettly has one leg shorter than the other three, bad breath, incontinence, and was 3 years old with 4 offspring whereas Hartly was a 8 yr. albino, transgender gopher with no offspring but shared a burrow and had a close relationship with Shirlie who was in attendance.

Assisting the court are Professor Jordan Gopher and Professor Marxie Gopher in their capacity as highly qualified gopher academics from the School of Gopher Eugenics deep under the gopher mound that now occupies over 10 sq yards due to the defensive actions of our heroic medal recipients.

Rising to full height on his back legs and facing the august panel Professor Marxie Gopher read from his brief. "I should like to first point out to the panel that Hartly overcame great setbacks in life. Our comprehensive intersectional study of bias towards gophers with albino fur color and transgender proclivities demonstrates the great setbacks Hartly needed to overcome. All this just to be an accepted member of our society! Therefore the compensation to any dependent or dependents of Hartly should far exceed the amount contemplated to Kettly."

There were large squeaks and cries of approval from the section of the court that contained mainly students of Post-modern Gopher Thought (PMGT) taught in Professor Marxie's classes. Marxie fingered the his gold earring turned, smiled and crouched back down.

Meanwhile Professor Jordan gopher lifted his shaggy head surveyed the bench and said," Honorable members of the Gopher Judicial panel let me say you might start with an albino category and a gender category but what of categories for my client's short leg, bad breath and incontinence? You need to determine which category is relevant and which is not. It is possible you end up with many intersectional categories. And then you’re just getting started. How many genders? Hypothetically there’s an infinite number. What about fur groupings? Are you going to include breeding? Do you want to add class to that? Do you want to add gopher social class? How about unattractiveness? My client certainly fell into that category due to the halitosis." Jordan lowered his head to one or two exclamations of 'ere 'ere.

There was a pause and Justice Solomon turned and said. 'So Gophers you are asking this panel to decide whether we give different compensations for Kettly and Hartly depending on their beginnings rather than their efforts in defending our homes. And as such you are asking us to find what advantages or disadvantages they had that were relevant? Is that the case Professors?'

Professor Marxie raised a paw and in a wounded voice exclaimed, "Sir, obviously their efforts were compromised by their disadvantages which needed to be overcome and my client suffered the greater disadvantage. Ask anyone if being a transgender albino is not a greater disadvantage than bad breath."

Jeb Gopher the most senior member of the panel spoke up, "But how did it affect their sacrifice and performance in protecting our burrows? Remember they each killed at least 20 foes individually and were both captured Officers leading what were 'sorties'. They were both crucified on posts just a meter from our perimeter and we could do nothing to save them. Nothing! Was the pain they both felt not equal?"

Professor Jordan spoke up. "Rather than consider the sacrifice need we consider the needs of the dependents? Is it appropriate that an equal amount be given to each 'family' and therein divided?"

Professor Marxie raised a paw, 'Sir my client has advised me a preference for nothing rather than a judgment that means getting an equal amount to the other side."

"Ahh," said Justice Solomon, "That reminds me of another story in our family history about a gopher baby dispute but I shall not be going there in this case. I shall not be asking for my sword. It seems here that the sacrifice was a life, or two lives, and as such it is equivalent as nothing is greater than sacrificing your life for our burrows."

“However as to compensation I need to consider the future of our people and burrows with this consideration I hereby declare ........

To be continued as Professor Jordan has many other engagements at the moment visiting other friendly burrows and promoting his book 'Twelve Reasons a Gopher Should Burrow Deeper'....

eb back

Copyright © 2018 ablindeye
Comment Box is loading comments...